Tag: #Thisgirlcan

Have you remembered to have fun yet?

What happens when you’re too focussed on your goals and forget to have fun?

EshanessSo, a few years ago I was ready to give up kayaking. It stopped being any fun, trips often ended in tears and I spent a lot of time thinking I couldn’t do it and I ought to be better than I was. I was going through a very stressful time in my job, which also often ended in tears and left me feeling like I wasn’t good enough and I ought to be better at it. It seems unbelievable, but I have only just realised how similarly these two things made me feel as I’m writing this! Funnily enough, as I’ve said before, I left that job, and am making a career out of kayaking. My feelings about these two negative experiences were obviously feeding off of each other, and I have spent a lot of time trying to understand what went wrong, mostly so I can make sure I never put myself in the same position again. I thought I’d share what I learned just in case in helps someone else.

I had quite a clear plan of where I wanted my paddling to take me. I was working towards my 4 star/sea kayak leader award. I knew I lacked confidence in more challenging conditions, so I kept trying to develop that by pushing my skills. Every paddle was about putting myself in rougher water, or working on my leadership skills. Every paddle was a battle and left me feeling not good enough. This was hard as paddling was always the thing that I did to destress and re-equilibrate. Anyway, this all culminated in a pretty rubbish day that involved more shouting and swearing than was necessary, and some less than perfect behaviour from everyone concerned, and I decided that I was never going to paddle again. Everyone else paddled off for an epic adventure, and I stayed behind for some relaxing, and to try to find what the wise old women in my head had to say about it all. (Did you know there is a voice in your head that always knows the right thing to do or say, quite often she can’t get heard over the chattering of the ‘I can’t do it’ or I don’t deserve it, or whatever noisy voices younhave in your head. I mean, that voice is you, you always know what to do or say, we just sometimes forget to listen, or don’t trust it.) After 48 hours of exploring the coast, watching the waves and eating cake, I knew I had to take the pressure of and fall in love with paddling again. Luckily I was in a world class paddling destination with some people I trusted implicitly. So followed six months of paddling just for fun. Then, one day I woke up and I was ready to think about preparing for my assessment again. Well, the rest is history, I passed my assessment and now people pay me to take them paddling! What’s not to love. I’m never going to be your first choice coach to take you on the big seas. (But I know lots of great coaches to recommend if that’s what you want to do!) But if you want to take your first steps in pushing your comfort zone, and you want to be with someone who gets that what was ok yesterday feels too scary today for no real reason, then come and see me. But, most of all come and see me if you want to fall in love with paddling again, want to spend some time messing about in boats, or want to be in a place where you can reconnect with your wise old women (or man, or unspecified gender). It is so important make time to do the things that bring you joy.

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Whose barriers are stopping you?

I can’t SUP. Although this is a picture of me looking quite relaxed standing on a SUP. I was also one of the first people in the country to get the new sheltered water SUP award, so I have a certificate to say that actually, I can SUP. I just find it hard to acknowledge those skills for some reason.

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On a similar theme, today I told two people I had never met before that I have just started a business as a paddlesport coach. I was honestly surprised that neither of them seemed shocked that I could possibly be doing something like that. In fact they were both quite envious that I had been brave enough to ditch the proper job, and follow a dream.

Both of these experiences show my brain’s defence mechanism. If you doubt your ability to the point you don’t even try something, you’re never going to fail. You might live a sad, dull life full of regrets and wistful thinking, but it will never be your fault that you didn’t follow your dreams, because it’s not your fault you don’t have those skills, is it? I know I’m not the only one who has these illogical (usually completely sub-conscious) thought processes. They will all be subtly different, and they will all have different origins, but pretty much everyone has their own barriers.

I met a properly inspirational adventurer last summer at a ‘Love her Wild’ weekend. We ended up working together in a goal setting workshop. Luckily for me, she was completely on top of her goals, so we focussed on mine. I have been thinking of being a professional coach for a while now, but always had a list of reasons why it wasn’t going to work, so I never had to try, so I never needed to fail.  She really helped me to see that a lot of my barriers weren’t really anywhere other than in my head. How can I say, ‘I’m not good enough’ when I have been coaching as a volunteer for 5 years, and people who know me are actually paying me to coach for them? How can I say I don’t have the right personality, when my coaching alter-ego manages just fine? What I learnt was, how will I ever know if I can do it, if I don’t try? And, mostly importantly how will I live with the regret of coming this far and not seeing it through. Learning to see through those safety mechanisms has really changed my attitude. That doesn’t mean I’m not sometimes hugely doubtful about whether I can pull this off, because sometimes I am. But it also means that if I fail it will be despite trying my hardest, rather than because I didn’t try at all.

PS Obviously there are plenty of real barriers too. (I’m never going to be a white water coach, (unless I decided that’s what I really wanted to do!), but I’m happy with that. Just try to work out if it’s a real barrier, or if it’s a defence-mechanism barrier.